Darryl’s Experience [he/him]
One valuable thing that I’ve learnt from this experience is to stop trying to do things for people. I’m fascinated by the following quote from Grotowski’s Towards a Poor Theatre:
But I think the essential thing is that the actor must not act for the audience, he must act in confrontation with the spectators, in their presence. Better still, he must fulfil an authentic act in place of the spectators, an act of extreme yet disciplined sincerity and authenticity. He must give himself and not hold himself back, open up and not close in on himself as this would end in narcissism. (213-4)
I was having a conversation recently with another human being, and we spoke about how doing things “for” people might be necessary for society to form a sense of togetherness. I beg to differ. In fact, I don’t beg. I’m proud to say that I differ.
We are all different people.
And when I see that, I realise that whenever I choose to act for another being, I am in fact acting for myself. Because whatever I do and say comes from my perception of this world and my version of reality, and what I transmit to another person through words or actions comes entirely from me.
What then can I control? I can control what I want and what is true for myself. I can control my perception of another and how I react and respond in relation to another. I can grow and move in relation to another person, so that I take hold of what I’m meant to do in this team, in this society, and in this world. Most importantly, I can control how sincere and truthful I am and can be.
What then is the result?
I don’t know. And I wish to let go of this need for a result. Recently, I realised how easy it can be to ‘want to manipulate’ or, to put it more positively, ‘to want to make things happen’ for people. This results-oriented society forces me to set goals for myself at a young age, and to make things happen. As a director-facilitator, with a show coming up, it’s easy to want to make things happen with instructions and pre-conceived ideas, so that there is a clear direction and story to tell. But what if - just what if - we don’t look at the result?
What if we just focus on being honest and truthful to ourselves?
What then is the result?
Fuck the self-importance. Let go of the result. Let’s just be here, shall we?
Oh wait - why did I use the pronoun ‘we’? I can’t speak for you. But for me, I want to be here. Right now.
