Cheng Xin Rui’s Experience (Participant) [he/him]
The Work on the Self Training is strange. Maybe it is strange because of who I am. My journey with Split Theatre and this process of working on the self started well before this programme, this Prayer Meeting. When I started on the work on the self (and to some degree, perhaps even now) I was woefully out of touch with generating from myself. The creation process is not easy for me, because I take my cue from those around me. I did not know, and until now am still not completely clear about what it means to create from the self.
All that is a red herring, simply because a huge part of the process is the constant interrogation of the self. I don’t think the process gave us any answers we did not already know, but it pushed and continues to push us to ask more interesting questions. From the earliest exercises of memorizing a specific pathway, down to constructing our own personal scores using an association (which really is any kind of feeling, memory which we can concretely recall) from ourselves, there is no prescribed method of doing so. There is a structure in place to guide us forward, but the way in which we craft our own stories is entirely up to us. The process remains difficult for me, a person whose recollection mainly revolves around inaction and indecision, but it remains rewarding to push myself to create, and attempt to understand what that creation process elicits.
Every chat we have in each of our weekly sessions is invaluable in advancing our understanding of ourselves, and this process of working on the self. It is we, us and our, because the willingness to be vulnerable in the group is important. After all, the self only exists in contrast with other selves. And pooling our brainpower to create a forum in which we examine and attempt to parse our individual experiences of the training is such an interesting process, as we get to look through multiple lenses.
Ultimately though, it is still a rather personal experience. Because there are aspects of experience that cannot be conveyed through words. It remains difficult for me to tap into the energies that purportedly radiate throughout the space, because I cannot understand that concept in any way other than figuratively. Every time I’m told to channel, to create links with others in the space, my understanding, and therefore my attempts, are largely metaphorical.
And of course, there is the question of what it “truly” means to tap into those forces. I cannot experience someone else’s experiences as they experience it, or at least I have no way of verifying that my experience is identical to theirs. All I can do is approximate. And when I explore my own experiences, and attempt to convey them, be it in a journal or a discussion, I approximate them into words. Just because those approximations do not match does not mean our experiences are particularly dissimilar, and just because those approximations match almost identically does not mean the actual experiences are even close to comparable. All there is is a constant patchwork process of piecing together what it means to create from the self, what the self even is, and with each step towards that aim, the path gets longer.
Which is really just as well. The self should not be a destination. It is at once nowhere, and everywhere at once. That’s the beauty of the process. The self is constantly in flux, and with each motion you travel towards, away from and within some version of the self. The process simply creates a framework in which you explore these different directions of movement, and explore the vast possibilities contained within your single, but infinite self.
Earlier, I said that the Work on the Self Training is strange. I stand by that. Because the self is always going to be a strange, nebulous concept, and the more certain you are of your own conception of yourself, the more fragile that conception is. The self is a journey, as is the Work on the Self. And that’s why it’s fun.
Find out more about the programme here: WOTS
