Lim Ci Xuan’s Experience (Participant) [she/her]

What does working on the self look like?

When we think about the self, words like selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-esteem, self-indulgence come about. And half of the words that I just described are not exactly cool or positive, they seem to be very bad qualities or things that society frowns upon. But the training, in fact, is not about, or just about the self. It is about the relationship between the self and the others, the relationship between the self and something that is bigger (nature, cosmos, whatever we imagine that is out there).

When working on the self, there is of course the tendency to close up into the personal, but the endgame of working on the self is opening up. To surrender, to offer, without expecting a return.

I started the journey with a painful experience of having to confront a vulnerable part of the self head-on, everyday in rehearsal. But the relation to the self, the character, and the performance was not properly dealt with or discussed. It would usually seem unprofessional to let the self affect our work, but after a long time of trying to ignore the relationship between the self and the actor, there was accumulated pain and loss at the end of the journey, which made it difficult for me to digest the experience and walk away safely.

We cannot separate the self and character that much, they inhabit the same body, and even if we do not take the initiative to link the two, things linger… the actor and the character are not too far apart. There is shame to work on the self (for me), but why? Each individual comes with their own uniqueness, shape, and energy while occupying a space (be it on stage or in reality), and why do we attempt to mask so much of that, and how will that affect the work we do, or the space we inhabit?

The self is something that I cannot run away from. The self used to be worthless and unvaluable for me, but I saw the importance of training because harbouring such thoughts are not healthy or sustainable in the long run. In this round of training, I started with a strong impetus to work on the self… I knew work had to be done...

Here are the three things that is important to my training:

1)    Memories and Associations:

With every action, comes memories and associations. This is after all something that makes up the person, and associations often mean unhealed wounds, or it hints at the stories that linger in my subconscious self, something unresolved. Training provides me a safe space to revisit these associations… Sometimes the body and mind could dissociate, for the fear of remembering. But rekindling the body with memories and associations, uncovers secrets that we never knew or never wanted to face. We don't have to indulge in associations each time, we do not walk out wounded or hurt. Just spending time with it at the back of our heads would mean something, do not undermine the strength of an association, is what I learnt.

Even for friends who do not do theatre, taking some space and time to be with the things that bother us becomes important. I could not guarantee a solution, but new paths are made, space is created, and you can breathe…  

2)    Structure

With each personalised experience, comes structure. The structure connects the mind and the body, the body and other bodies, the body and the space. Structure meant repetition. A memory and association could be fleeting, or non-specific, and repetition gives rise to clarity, at times, it pinpoints what it is, it allows us to find worth and value, and gives space to develop something that is trivial or personal to something that is bigger, relatable, something that could be presented and gifted.

3)    Care and companionship

The heart of working on the self, is not the self, but the relation between the self, and the human beings in the room as well. In this program, there is a room of people who are dedicated to work on the self, and sometimes we see each other struggle, we see each other at the most vulnerable. And care is present, there is a collective sense of “being present” for each other. At the start of my training, I mentioned that I felt worthless and invalid, but the “self” was not too important, because my focus would be on the other individuals who were struggling and giving their all in the journey. Even if I didn’t like the self, I enjoyed the companionship of others, and of collective growth, knowing that we will always be present in that designated space.

 See you there!