Vivyan’s Experience (Participant) [she/her]
Throughout my teen hood, my main struggle was learning how to 'be myself' with other people. I wanted to please everyone, and I moulded myself to fit them. I didn't know what was my 'consistent' self. I felt like I was a piece of playdough that could adapt to one other person's shape. But when there were multiple people and too many shapes to adapt to, I would freeze and become quiet. I ended up looking arrogant. Over time, as I put myself through uncomfortable situations and found true friends, I became surer of myself. In many ways, I am over that struggle and yet, I know it is and will always be a life-long journey. In this 10-week course, here I am again facing that question head on – how do you live kindly with other people, while being yourself?
This course involved a LOT of multitasking. I am remembering a specific moment in my past as vividly as possible, moving my body intuitively to that memory, observing the other 6 participants going through their own movements, trying to give them space and support, and responding to their movements while holding on to my own. At times it felt great, while at others, the experience was overwhelming. I did question whether this class was convoluted, or if the exercises were too complex for a proper learning experience. But I realised this crazy multitasking is what we are doing all the time. In daily life, our brain and body is trying very hard to be a functional human being with others. When the exercise became overwhelming, I felt the urge to freeze and think, much like I did in my teen hood. I constantly think about how to hold on to my memory and my movements, while looking and being kind to others in the space.
I found that the surer I was of myself – my memory, my movement, my truth – the easier it was to look at other people. If I struggle with myself, the less mental and emotional space I have to be with others. On the flip side, when I know who I am, I can use what I have to be there for you. That is not to say that my idea of myself is rigid. You can be sure of yourself while being flexible. I can know who I am while listening to your thoughts. I can be there alongside you without intruding into your space.
